"Never eat more than you can lift."

Miss Piggy Piggy

"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because 
they don't require so much cooking."

Carrie Snow

"This recipe is certainly silly.  It says to separate two eggs,
but it doesn't say how far to separate them."

Gracie Allen

"I'm on a seafood diet.  I see food and I eat it."

Anonymous

"I never worry about diets.  The only carrots that interest me
 are the number you get in a diamond."

Mae West

"When I buy cookies I just eat four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad."

Janette Barber

"You do live longer with bran but you spend 
the last fifteen years on the toilet."

Alan King

"My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was sixty.  She's ninety-seven todayÐ
we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen Degeneres

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again."

Erma Bombeck

"When I feel like exercising I just lie down 
until the feeling goes away."

Robert M. Hutchins

"I've been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and 
the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet 
where I have been doing the leg lifts."

Rita Rudner

"I joined a health spa recently.  They had a sign for 
"Free Weights." So I took a couple."

Scott Wood